A piece of me is gone.

by canyon critter on January 22, 2009

Millie Monroe passed away yesterday January 21, 2009 at 5:00. I thought I would be able to help her with ordering herbs and transfer factor and even prayer, but she was in incredible pain. She was dazing off and would silently whimper at times. Doing the research and talking to people this cancer is unbearably painful. Since it was in her lymph nodes it had already spread to her bloodstream. I could have tried codeine, but it would have been more for me than her. It was still a death sentence. I didn’t want her to suffer anymore.

My friend asked if she was bonded to any of my dogs, I said no…she was bonded to me. She was my best-friend. I have never in my life known a love like hers. In spite of what her life was, she never held a grudge, she excepted anyone in her life, although so shy and unsure of new things. I loved coming home to her because she would grab a toy and do a little dance throwing her paws up in the air and tossing the toy. Such a lovely little greeter. At night, she would worm her way up right beside me and just lay on my leg, she always knew she would get a belly rub. She was never a nuisance or naughty. She did love to eat toilet paper, though.
She has confirmed what I knew in my heart about my destiny. I will never stop loving dogs like Millie. Even if it is only one day spent, it is one more day than they would have had. I will still always cry and hurt, but I love them with everything in me and more, especially Millie. I am so honored and grateful to have known such a sweet, beautiful soul. One day we will all be together again.

Rest In Peace, my girl. I love you more than anything in this world. I will meet you in the Heavens.

For more photos…

Being real, though. I care about nothing right now. I am agitated, emotional and empty. I feel like there is nothing left in me to give and yet I know I have to hold it together for my other kids. I see her everywhere. She was my heart. She made me smile and always knew when I needed a hug. I know this event has caused me to reflect on my life. What I want. What makes me happy. Things I need to change. My dogs are my life, they mean more to me than anything. I have to live in today. I have to take care of my kids that need me today. I haven’t even been able to look at them, even though they are trying to comfort me. I feel bad about that, I just wanted to die with Millie. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow we will walk and get life figured out. But Millie showed me my vision. Thank you for helping me find my way home.

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Mary February 16, 2009 at 9:17 pm

Terrah, I just found your blog via your comment over at cowbelly.

I’m in tears right now, reading your post. Bringing back to me the loss of a dog that was a part of my life in a similar way.

Sometimes there is just that one dog. The one who comes into your life at a certain time and fills you up with all of their unconditional love and their beautiful spirit.

You’re post from a few days before this one perfectly expressed the feelings of helplessness and hope that we can do something to save our one true love. That some miracle will pull them through.

The one thing that helped me pick my heart up off the ground after I lost my Spencer, was knowing that I gave him the best life than any dog could have ever had. I never spared him any love. I always put him first and I treasured him wholey and completely. Clearly you had the same commitment to Millie (and you have this for your other guys). All dogs should be so lucky.

Millie looks like such a sweet, sweet soul. I hope she meets up with my dear Spence in a better place where dogs get to play and sleep and then play some more. Forever and ever.

Big doggie hugs to you.

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mutts & such February 16, 2009 at 10:11 pm

Hi Mary, it has been very hard. Somehow you would think it is supposed to get easier, but I am finding it harder. I hope she is with spence, it would be nice for her to have a friend. Thank you for your hugs. Very much needed. ๐Ÿ™‚

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Still Life in South America January 26, 2009 at 4:42 am

Hi Mutts & Such,

I just want to offer my condolences to you on your loss of Millie. Your descriptions and pictures are tender and touching. She was a really beautiful dog; it looks like a mixture of border collie and schnauzer, maybe?

I’m glad you have your other dogs to keep you on your toes and bring you happiness. I look forward to reading more stories of your dogs.

With much sympathy,
A. @ Still Life in South America

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mutts & such January 26, 2009 at 4:44 am

Thank you Still Life. She was so special and such a sweet spirit. Thank you for your kind words and support.

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Nini January 24, 2009 at 4:04 am

Oh Terrah I am so very sorry… I’ve been following your blog ever since I rescued my cats and read about the Mutt Scouts… I have admired your devotion to your furkids, and completely related to the joys and pains of rescuing, scouting the shelters etc. I am so very sorry Millie had to go so soon :'(

You loved her so much, though, gave her the best years of her life, and allowed her to leave with her dignity, without letting her suffer on… you were a blessing to her as much as she was to you.

I have lost animals too young, and also old before… you never are prepared, you never are all wise and ready. It hurts. Hurts like your heart is going to break out of your chest and you are never going to be able to walk again. But life with your other babies goes on and you are here for them… so strong, and so loving. You are an amazing person.

The kitties and I are sending our love and prayers your way. May Millie rest in peace and watch over you, and help other unhappy dogs cross your path.

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mutts & such January 24, 2009 at 4:07 am

thanks nini,

You are right. I wasn’t prepared, but I don’t see how I ever could be. She is my first loss…that was my kid. Thank you for your kind words and your support. We need them right now. It is a blessing to have such good people in our lives right now. Thank you for being one of them.

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goodbear January 23, 2009 at 6:19 am

hi terrah.
wow, so much of what you wrote reminds me of my feelings for my loki!

i’m glad you’re keeping busy and talking to friends.

keep snapping photos! what camera are you using…?

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mutts & such January 23, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Goodbear, I went through and read some of your posts on Loki. I couldn’t do all of them, they made me cry. She was black and had those wispy ears like Millie. I loved the tribute you did with the colors and crystal and a place for you to put your thoughts on paper for her. I want to come up with something for Millie. You are an inspiration and such a guide for me. I know if you have gotten through these years, I can too. It doesn’t mean we forget them, but we put them in a special part of our heart. Last night I finally opened up to my pack realizing they are trying to comfort me. I have some good kids.
Thank you for being here with me through all of this. I have some good friends.

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mutts & such January 23, 2009 at 3:13 pm

oh. I forgot. I use my work camera 40D canon. however, I am missing film, so I want to get back into that or try the TTV stuff. I think you would like that

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Heather B January 23, 2009 at 3:15 am

You and Millie have been on my mind the last 2 days. It really hit me hard today just after talking to you about some hope of a few things to help her thru her tough times and then I saw she crossed the bridge. Last night I came home and held my dogs tight for Millie & we said a dog prayer.

My first and oldest dog who will be 14 this year has been on my mind constantly as he reaches those last golden years, I do not know how I will handle when he leaves me. I just hope I get to spend a day like you did with Millie before he is ready to head home.

There is just something so special about the love of a dog. They make us better people, I love more because of my dogs. I would do anything for them, they are my life, they are what gets me thru life. Some people never ever experience the true love of a friendship like you had with Millie. Millie will always love you and she will always be a part of your heart for the rest of your life, she now just wants you to love the rest of your gang just the way you loved & cared for her.

Hugs

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mutts & such January 23, 2009 at 3:28 am

Heather, You have been a rock for me. Even through miles apart and really never meeting, I trust and look to you as an old friend.
I never thought I would lose my “fur-kids” until they were 20 or so…ok, being really positive.

I know I feel crushed, lost, alone, like I want to die. But my friend Molly made a point. Millie would want me to keep doing what I do and not to feel bad, that she felt loved-so loved. People can say we will “know” or be “prepared”….I have heard that forever. I didn’t know and I wasn’t prepared. All I knew is that I didn’t want her to suffer, I wanted her to go with dignity and without pain because she had been living with extreme pain for over two months, she didn’t deserve that anymore. She was only 8 or so , just too young and undeserving of this. I wasn’t ready. But as rescuers….we know what happens when we take these dogs…these kind of dogs. I have two dogs I have had since three months, they are now eight and healthy. Fourteen is an amazing age. I don’t take anything for granted anymore. Tonight I hugged everyone. I told them how special they are and how much I love them. i will take photos everyday of them and let them experience life. Her passing has made me reflect on a lot of things..even my own life.

Thank you for being such a good friend. Such an amazing rescuer. A woman with a huge heart. Your dogs are lucky to have you.

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Kim January 23, 2009 at 1:42 am

I’m so so sorry, Terrah. Your Millie posts have made me cry every day. I wish I could’ve met her.

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mutts & such January 23, 2009 at 1:54 am

Kim, you would have loved her. She was like pure sugar. so sweet.

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