I feel broken. I feel extremely sad. I said good-bye to another dog friend today. He lost his battle with spine cancer. His health decline was hard to see. It was hard to see him…like he was in his last few hours. It was hard to see my friend that cared so much for him..also have tears. He loved this boy so much. The comfort was knowing he gave Smokey so much love and comfort in his last few weeks. John fostered him from Best Friends. Like Carla, my neighbor, does with her dogs (Bardo).
I lost it when I was at the grocery store afterwards. I lost it when I got home. I sat on the the front steps for an hour just wondering why life is so unfair sometimes. Crying until I couldn’t see anymore. Smokey didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve this cancer. He didn’t deserve this pain.
I hate death. I don’t deal well AT ALL with it and two in week is more than I can handle.
So I sat there this evening staring in the clouds wondering if they could give me an answer. Wondering if there are any answers. I felt alone. I felt sad for John…sad for Smokey.
I talked with my rescue friend who has dealt with this many times and she also said…it doesn’t get any easier. I knew that as well, but it felt nice to hear that…to not feel alone.
My eyes still hurt as I write this. We can only know he is not in pain anymore. He is in a better place.
It still sucks. Life sucks sometimes. It sucks this week and it sucks even more today.
It sucks even more that I have to write a notice to his sponsor friends and feel their sadness.
I don’t feel like posting photos. I took photos of him today, but I want to remember him when he was happy chasing me around for treats and gazing into John’s eyes with love.
He loved treats so much! and he loved cuddling…even though sometimes he might give a love nip.
He was an amazing spirit that will be missed.
My heart hurts too much.
This just sucks.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
What if Bardo and Smokey chose those lives for themselves? And now they’re just happy spirits planning out their next go-round? Does that help?
A cynic will say that romanticizing things with religion/spirituality/whatever, is a way to appease the pain with a bit of magic. Well, I sort of like the theory that we choose the lives we have. Whether we’re cats, dogs, or people, the struggles we encounter are just infinitely small riddles on our path to enlightenment.
Or maybe not. But I like that theory when times are tough.
There’s no way to answer the ‘why’. Some people turn to religion some turn to anger, everybody handles the loss of a dog differently.
Dogs are, I believe, put here to remind us of what we can be.
When one person develops, for lack of a better word, a relationship with a dog, it makes that person nicer, more understanding, more loving. Or at least that’s been my experience.
So when one of these precious souls departs, I don’t look at it only as loss, it’s also a reminder.
It’s a reminder that we must cherish dogs while they are here, and that there’s always another dog that needs help.
I hope you feel better soon. Tell John that I’m thinking about him.
Thank you goodbear. I just looked in the mirror. I have never seen my eyes this swollen…almost shut. If I am this upset about a doggie friend, I keep wondering how I will be when it is my own dogs. I hate that my mind goes there, makes everything worse.
Smokey was so lucky to have such good people in his life this last year. He was lucky to have his friend John.
Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you goodbear. I just looked in the mirror. I have never seen my eyes this swollen…almost shut. If I am this upset about a doggie friend, I keep wondering how I will be when it is my own dogs. I hate that my mind goes there, makes everything worse.
Smokey was so lucky to have such good people in his life this last year. He was lucky to have his friend John.
Thank you for your kind words.
i’m so sorry. i know how terribly it hurts. everything just hurts from inside out.
take extra care of yourself during this time…