I try to be positive lately on the blog and in my life, but sometimes in the midst of all that I still have to face the blue and push it aside or try and deal with it. I honestly can’t say that I am in love with Portland, although, sometimes I hear it takes a long while to adjust. I am still waiting for that wow factor, but it hasn’t come yet. The “aha, this is it…this is the place of amazement and wonder. The place I will find love, live fully and all things will be wonderful.” I have wanted to come here for so long that I told myself that Portland was my saving grace. Don’t say that can’t exist, it has happened to me once. But at the same time of that “wow moment”, I was coming out of a very dark place and L.A at the time seemed like heaven with my new friends, the music, my job, the ocean, the sun and life was just amazing there for awhile.
I will give it time because I want it to be so, maybe now it is just hard with the rain, my job, my neighborhood and feeling so lonely. I thought my job would be my stress relief, but alas, I am a little concerned about it. I won’t take life so seriously though. I tend to treat everything like it is life or death in a manic way and that fact is, though, that it isn’t. Maybe if I get out more and listen to live music or go get coffee or a drink and try to meet people. I am the best hibernator, but I like being home…is that so bad? dunno, I do have to do my part for trying with this place and until then, I don’t really have the right to rag on it…right?!
I need to push myself like I never have before to accomlish my dreams. Take the steps, believe and MAKE IT HAPPEN. I want to live in a neighborhood where I can walk my dogs and have our farm, have a baby someday and a successful business. Right now, this is not happy, but a transistion to really push myself to get out of the crap I have put myself in for the last few years. I have a lot of digging and a lot of soul searching and a lot of hard- HARD work ahead of me…discipline and whatever it takes to stop the self sabatoge. I know we all deal with that. I think I will get out the Artist way and The war of art and read to help with my search and push through the blocks. It will happen, I keep trying, but I need to try harder and stronger. I am at a point now where there is no option.
I guess it was just a moment I needed to be my raw self, to be naked and undressed in my words, because I know that I am not alone. We all have dreams, especially artists. We paint or work on things, but then nothing. From a quote that The Edge said from a video I posted the other day, “waiting for something magic to happen. -MAKE IT HAPPEN… Make magic.
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This is good. It sounds like you are in a really good place, even though it seems a bit dark at the moment. But then again, that’s always been you. Us. A little bit dark. After all, I think that has been when we’ve been our happiest. I support you and your soul searching and your being raw and waiting things out. It makes me feel very proud of you. You will find your bliss. Or it will find you. Just wait. And pray. And search that rich soul of yours. From across the miles, I still love my Terrahblue.