I feel like I have been thrown up in the wind lately and nowhere to fall and wings that would not work. I am sure that is the combination of the red bull and coffee this week. I don’t recommend it. Very hard on your heart…take it from me. I just had to walk on the treadmill for an hour, but it did help my anxiety.
Today was a good day at work. I got a lot done. I want everyday to be like this. I need to make lists. I do really well with lists. I know…I am a nerd.
The kids have been so amazing and it seems like I have a little shadow lately. Honey follows me everywhere and loves kisses. She likes to curl her lip up and come and smooch. she has come so far, I don’t even recognize her as the same dog. although, we really need to work on boundaries. We haven’t walked as much this week, but they will get their two miles after the photoshoots tomorrow and before I go to Vegas.
There are decisions that are up in the air right now. I am not good with that, but I have to let go and know the universe will direct me in the right path. I wish I were a bird right now, so I could just soar and feel free. Could you imagine the wind in your face and the feeling of gliding into the curves and having all your friends by your side.
I think I was feeling a little woozy this week b/c of Millie. Heather made me the most beautiful wooden blocks with photos on them and then I was watching Oprah and this guy had a small lump on his tongue he knew something was wrong but for years everyone kept telling him it was nothing. It ended up escalating to grade 4 cancer and they wanted to take his tongue. He was a chef, they would have killed his spirit. He didn’t take that. After five different doctors he found a place that was willing to work with him without taking his tongue and now he is clean of cancer. But if the people would have listened to him when it was just a small bump, it could have been removed in 15 minutes and all this would not have taken place.
I started doubting myself with Millie…feeling guilty. i knew in sept. when she was barely limping that something was wrong, that it wasn’t hip displaysia like they said. I knew in my gut and we were at the vet like every other week. I should have gotten more opinions and not given up but then it was too late and then I kept thinking… Why didn’t I see further if there was a way to keep her alive without taking the leg or chemo. I have to stop listening to people and listen to my gut. I have paid my price with so much guilt and sadness. I will never ever do that again. So that has heightened my anxiety. i have awaken in tears the last few nights, but I can’t bring her back. I can only know for the future.
I miss her still so much. Thank you Heather for these incredibly beautiful art pieces that I will treasure forever. I will take photos of them soon.
Souza : For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This persective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.
